Two Steps From Having it Together

multi-faith

2008-10-24T20:07:00.004+01:00

okay, so i know i just posted. but i had to tell you guys this.

today we hosted our first muslim wedding reception in our church. it has been a funny experience. the whole fam came and set up, then all went to mosque for the family ceremony. evidently tomorrow is the big one, with all the friends and public. today is the small party and official ceremony for the family. so, i've decided its more like a rehearsal dinner.

so, they are all hanging out, playing with babies, whatever. then suddenly its 6:00. the father of the groom (and organiser) asks if we have a room for the women to pray in while the men pray in the back garden. i show him our small lounge, but he opts for the main hall. so all of a sudden this hush falls and women are scattered throughout the hall, amongst the tables and chairs, bowing down on some cloths serving as prayer mats.

then, in about 2 minutes its all over. everyone is back up, talking, eating, etc.

so, in the midst of this, the russian church showed up. we also have a russian pentecostal church that uses our hall. so right now they are upstairs with their russian matt redman, or whatever (actually, right now its "give thanks, with a grateful heart" in russian) whilst the muslim family is cleaning up the byriani in the kitchen. no, i don't know what it is, but it is some kind of meat and rice that was yummy.

or, as i like to call it, friday. my life is so random.

the one you've been waiting for

2008-10-24T19:57:00.003+01:00

today i got to share my faith.

i have this friend. we'll call her maggie. maggie was a police officer in our neighbourhood a few years back. however, our neighbourhood police team is often a stepping stone to something better. no condemnation. she should keep trying to make more of herself. anyway, she went away to training and has recently been assigned as a "normal" officer in wood green... just next door to our 'hood. Here's the thing about maggie. she has only lived here 5 years (the same as me) and did not speak a word of english when she arrived...and now her english is good enough to protect me from the baddies...unbelievable.

anyway, now that she is back around she called me up looking to improve her english. so we've started meeting up as her crazy schedule allows. her english is excellent, she just lacks some confidence. so, maggie and i were talking about confidence. we were talking about our shared tendency to resolve one fear/worry just to replace it with another. i told her that my faith helped me deal with that some. she just sat there, no response, so i continued. i told her that when i worried about things i couldn't control that i reminded myself that god loves me...that he wants good things for me...and that i should trust him with the things i cannot control. maggie said that that was something she would have to think about.

all in all, its been an amazing week, but i this is the spiritual biggie.

...and after only 5 years

isaiah 1-4

2008-08-17T22:13:00.003+01:00

isaiah begins by talking about the tough stuff coming. he launches into the choices jerusalem has made and the consequences that will have on the day of judgment... really encouraging stuff. but then comes chapter 4 ...this little ray of hope, about those who survive. that was when i started to connect with it.

verse 6 talks about a cloud/fire that god will put as a shelter and shield. all i could think was "i really need a shelter from the heat of the day and a shield from the storm and rain". then i looked back at all that jerusalem had been through in the first 3 chapters... some desolate and desperate times; times where hope could not be seen and the work of god was not evident. in verse 4 of chapter 4 god talks about the cleansing of jerusalem. but its not a pretty cleansing like we like to picture in our minds... of water cascading from heaven, "there is a fountain", or floating in a river (ala "find me in the river").

its a cleansing by 2 spirits- judgment and fire.

a couple weeks ago i fell into psalm 51, one of my faves because its about reconnecting after falling. i spent about a week asking god to cleanse me. little did i know...

cleansing by judgment and fire... this is how god cleans and purifies his beloved jerusalem. no gentle bathing in the river here... but purging and burning... consuming fire... dross from the gold... and all that.

how can i embrace a cleansing of fire and judgment?

right now i am desperate enough for the canopy that i embrace the cleansing.

a life out of control...

2008-08-09T19:17:00.002+01:00

i am back...due to popular demand (i.e. my mother in law and one random friend of tims)

my life is completely out of control. i have 258 emails in my inbox (in case you are wondering why i haven't replied to you... i can't even find your email!), i cannot seem to get enough sleep, and i just failed 2 assignments on my stupid management course. awesome. my great tan from france is quickly fading in the rain of london... as is the peace of mind i found. everything is scattered right now. but at least my mom is here to spoil us all, tell us how wonderful we are, and do the dishes! that is my saving grace right now.

i know, not very profound for my great return; but i've had so many gaps and returns... surely you've lowered your expectations by now.

the islam "christian bookstore"

2007-10-23T08:32:00.000+01:00

today i went into my first "islam bookstore". it was basically the islam version of our christian book stores. when i found it, i thought that it made real sense, but i had never considered that other religions would have special bookstores, like we do. that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but i had just neve thought about it.

it was pretty small, but had most of the stuff we have. there were puzzles for children based on stories from the Quran (creation and noah's ark), books on what the Quran teaches about family, how to be a good wife, husband, how to pray, etc. there were even little toys for children to learn arabic. you may or may not know that the only true and authoritative translation of the Quran is arabic. you can get copies in english, but they aren't seen as the actual Quran. so learning arabic is very important for muslim families.

the clerk was very friendly. he let me try some perfume and helped me pick out some henna. i also bought some halal sweets for my muslim friends.

it was strangely similar and familiar. a little bit like being in the same place, but in an alternate universe or something.

the autobiography of martin luther king, jr.

2007-10-23T08:13:00.000+01:00

since i am not cool enough to know how to post a list of what i am reading (see pretty much any previous entry for a lengthy discourse on my technical inadequacies), here it is. it's not a real autobiography, but a collection of his writings put together in biographical form. which makes sense since he was murdered before having a chance to get around to writing about his life. i picked it up off the "black history month" display at my local library.

sidebar: i understand why some things must be different in other countries, like money, time changes, etc. but why do we do things different that aren't necessary and just make things that little bit harder. take black history month...february in the states and october in the u.k...why would we do that? also, writing the date...day-month-year in the states...month-day-year here. and don't even get me started on paper and hole punches. i mean really.

anyway, the book is blowing my mind. MLK writes about the challenge of coming from an evangelical background that was all about "taking things on faith" rather than examining things critially using intelligence and the way philosophy and political knowledge helped him develop his theology that lead him to the actions we all celebrate. it made me think of how relevant his development and conclusions may be to all those post moderns out there wrestling with "what is church" and all that stuff. but i am most interested in the way he combined ghandhi with christianity. i am on a slipperly slope right now with islam and christianity. i don't talk about it too much, because i don't want to cause anyone else to struggle or get a lecture on how dangerous it is to go down that road. but i am coming to believe there is a real case to be made that our similarities are more than our differences. i concede that jesus is a big difference, though. but i really feel this book, and moreover the life journey of MLK gives support to my asking the questions.

if you are looking for a way to personally celebrate black history month, i highly recommend it. if you aren't looking for a way to personally celebrate black history month, you should be. if you are american, keep this in mind for february.

remember when people used to blog...

2007-08-22T19:30:00.000+01:00

stretch your minds way into the past with me, before nintendo wii (which i just learned about today), before itunes (which i am just now learning to use), and before FACEBOOK! Just in case you are wondering....

i know that i should totally sign up for facebook. " i mean, its way easier to keep up with your friends, you can just write a quick phrase, blah, blah, blah" but what you are not taking in to account is how long it will take me to learn to do the stinking thing, or how much time i will waste trying to come up with a password complicated enough that it will really let me register, or how long i will spend trying to find the stupid email i had to send myself with my login and password so that i can ever access my account again (i know, but by the time i get around to registering for anything the "same login i use for everything" is always taken!). so, thanks for the suggestion. i mean, don't you think i should learn to load pictures and video on to the computer first? me too.

in other news, i tried to go to france with an expired passport (unknowingly until i arrived at the airport), i was just given my first sari, and i just saw hairspray last night.

is anyone still frequenting the blogging world?

good news...and bad news (aka another update on the trauma/drama about preganancy, childbirth, and motherhood)

2007-04-20T21:48:00.000+01:00

I am declaring it officially and publicly…I have returned to my pre-olyvia size

That’s the good news....

But, somehow nothing between my knees and neck looks like it used to

That’s the bad news.

I have now purchased several garments in the size I used to wear before being blessed with Olyvia. So, I excitedly dug out the few treasured items I have held onto in faith and hope that I would eventually be able to wear them again. And finally that day arrived, after much work, weaping, and nashing of teeth. Imagine my shock when those %*^*&%^*&%) jeans still did not fit. It seems that cut of trouser (pants) is important and is even more important now than before.

I shared my disappointment, dismay, and disbelief with my long-suffering, encouraging husband. He was quiet for a minute (I could tell he was wisely reflecting on what he should say before speaking, not always one of his best skills) then calmly said “I guess that is what they mean by your body never goes back to what it was like before”. Fortunately he is great at letting me know he likes how I look!

I put the holy grail of jeans back up and have resolved to keep at it.

Can I get an amen, if you’ve been there? Stories of success are welcome responses. No stories of failure are welcome.

If you haven’t yet become a mama…don’t say I didn’t warn you!

my new "favorite 3 words"

2007-03-27T15:57:00.000+01:00

although we all love to hear "i love you"...it just got bumped down a notch on my list.

for this past sunday, the label in my diary (calendar) said "British summertime begins" (that means daylight savings time to you and me, russ)

British Summertime Begins!

yesterday it was still light when i got home from work...even after stopping at the grocery store. those 3 words mean that i have survived another dark, miserable winter. 2 weeks ago we had a warm spell that had me trying on vests (tank tops) and flip flops (flip flops).

British Summertime Begins!

i am so desperate that i don't even mind losing that extra hour of sleep. of course, we did skip chruch, so that makes a difference!

British Summertime Begins!

i love that they call it summertime. that sounds so much more charming than "Daylight savings time". and since it is just "beginning" it means i have months of daylight stretching before me! i love the beginning of great things...friday afternoons, traveling on holiday (vacation), all the promise stretches before you. plenty of time, no need to rush, you still have the whole thing to look forward to.

British Summertime Begins!

it's enough to bring this sun-addicted american to tears....

the worst kind of homesick

2007-03-14T09:22:00.000Z

Yesterday I ran smack into my past. There is a group here from Arlington, Texas. They are a youth group on a mission trip. A bunch of fresh faced white kids, with a youth pastor, Eric, who looks just as young and fresh faced as they do. Eric knows my youth pastor from when I was a kid. Also the children’s pastor at his church was in my youth group, but she was in high school when I was in middle school. That was a huge gap in our youth group. I forgot that the Southern Baptist Youth culture in Oklahoma and Texas is not that different from the same in The Salvation Army.

Anyway, I now find myself suffering from the worst kind of homesickness. Not just homesickness for family, friends, culture, food, etc, but homesick for a certain time in my life. Right now I ache to be 16 and in Edmond, Oklahoma... when my world was only as big as school, show choir, and my youth group. I want more than anything to be calling up Keith and Christi to plan what we are going to do this weekend. Today is Wednesday, so we probably wouldn’t be planning that just yet, but we would be deciding if we were going to do our homework after youth group tonight or go to godfather’s pizza. As for me, I was a geek, so probably going out after Solid Rock would motivate me to get my homework done before church. If it was a day like today, I would go to sonic, get the biggest vanilla coke ever (Route 44) and go to Hafer Park to do my homework.

There are many things about that culture that I have grown beyond now, I guess that is part of growing up. When I can be objective, I have serious doubts as to whether I can fit in to that kind of life again. But right now my homesickness overwhelms logic. I can’t get past fantasies of sonic, 91fm, big church, and high school crushes.

have you ever been snubbed by a beggar?

2007-02-22T22:04:00.000Z

i have.

in the last few weeks i have had several things happen that have stirred the blogging thoughts in my head: i turned 34 (too boring and obvious), i saw the show wicked with my friend kate (too joel ivany). but finally today something that has driven me to my computer.

in the last few months god has challenged me to live a more open-handed life. basically that means that i try to give change when i am asked for it. let me stop you there. whatever your views on this, i am confident i have heard them and probably even preached them myself, but thanks for making sure. i think this will be a life long journey, with many turns and stops, but maybe no answer.

anyway, today lyvi and i were coming home through wood green. i saw a man with a cup sitting on some steps so i reached for the 6p i knew i had in my pocket (that's like 6 cents to you and me russ). i went to put them in this bloke's cup and he put his hand over it. i stepped back. there was other change in there, so i knew i had not made the faux pas of thinking he was begging when he was really just having a cup of coffee and a rest (ala sandra bullock in 2 weeks notice). i was taken aback and went to put it in again. he covered the cup again and said, "no, i can't take your money". i waited, for surely there must be more. he said, "you have a baby, i don't take money from people with children. i have my own children." basically implying that children cost a lot...which is true. so i gave a feebled attempt "my baby has everything she needs" and went for the cup again. he covered it again and said, " i don't take money from people with children".

who knew that beggars have standards?

now, with a belly over-full of kfc and diet coke i wish i would have said something like...

"let me be a good example for my daughter. as a father i'm sure you know how important it is to teach our children to be generous."

as usual, the wit comes too late to be helpful or appreciated. i'll be thinking on this one for awhile.

rocky balboa

2007-01-26T14:08:00.000Z

you will be relieved to know that the new rocky finally came out here. tim, bec, and i got to go together.

the first part was rough, i wish they would have spent less time on the looking back stuff and developed the part of his son a little better. i did like the speech rocky gave his son about its not how hard you hit, but how many times you get back up after being knocked down. i also would have liked more reference to his basement stuff. i liked the more artistic take on the fight, but wish they would have used flashbacks to fill in some of the gaps we missed in rocky the last decade (like a doctor saying adrian had cancer, his son moving out, etc.). i also wish they would have developed the character of the young boxer more. the return of little marie was a pleasant surprise, and i loved to see the rocky balboa approach to youth ministry revived. that is one of my favorite aspects of his personality. and at the end of the fight, when he gets up for the last time, as part of the reflective montage before he remembers the speech he gave his son about getting up when you get knocked down, i can't believe they left out "get up! because mickey loves ya!"

i mean, i really can't believe stallone didn't consult me.

before we went i read an article saying that this last rocky was coming out in the year of the 30th anniversary of the first rocky. 30 years. that's when i realized that i have been watching rocky my whole life. i can't say i remember the first time i saw them, except rocky IV. i think that is because rocky just kinda slipped into my life from TV in an unexpected and unpretentious kind of way.

when i first saw the tag line "it ain't over til its over" i thought it was really lame. after the scene in the movie where he says it, and i realized it is arguably the funniest line in the movie, i had a little more respect. but i still say it should have been: "it's not about the boxing". because its not. he is a boxer, but it is really a metaphor for his life. okay, i'll stop there before i launch into any cheesy sermon illustrations, but you get my point.

and that is why i love rocky. i have for as long as i can remember. and even with this farewell that does not live up to his glory, i remain faithful.

what should an american woman say to an afghani man?

2007-01-19T15:42:00.000Z

today i walked into one of the ghetto shops in wood green, london. they had this unique selection of watches, many of which were very boho chic. fyi, i have decided that boho chic is my new stylistic goal and theme. as i was selecting them from behind the glass counter, i could tell the shop worker had a very thick accent. strangely enough, i am now in the habit of using my best british accent (still horribly pitiful) when i hear a thick accent or broken english. its because british english is what they are learning to understand and american english just makes life too difficult when all you want is the correct watch. as i was trying the watches on i casually asked the man where he was from (a very common question in wood green). he said afghanistan. then asked where i was from. i said the united states. then we stood there looking each other in the eye.

i wasn't sure where to go from here...

"sorry about invadiing your country"
"i hope no one in your family has been killed"
"do you want me to just turn around and walk out of this shop?"

i went with "i hear afghanistan is beautiful"

okay, it was a lie. i have never heard that. but i am sure it is. i have yet to visit a country that is not spectacular in its own way. so, i felt it was a safe guess.

he replied that it was and asked if i had been there. i said no but that i would very much like to... someday... in a few years...when it would be safe for me. this is mostly true, i would go almost anywhere, given the resources and opportunity.

he offered to knock one third off the watch i was looking at.

i bought two watches. he gave me new batteries for both and a one year guarantee.

i consider this a diplomatically successful afternoon. i think he is the first afghani i have met. i wonder if i am his first american, as we are not abundant in the wood green area.

reading/just read

2006-10-24T22:05:00.000+01:00

since i cannot figure out how to have a cool list on the side of my blog that lists what i am reading i am just putting it as a regular post, as that is all i really know how to do!

babywise II
french women don't get fat
ladies number one detective agency
deuteronomy
7 day detox

how 'bout you?

i have a bigger problem

2006-10-14T09:14:00.000+01:00

my friend, becca, is a recovering o.c. addict.

actually, she was.

Mark 9:42[ Causing to Sin ] And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.

thanks to my influence, guidance, and leadership she has fallen back into the abyss.

i think i'm in big trouble.

i have a problem

2006-10-09T13:48:00.000+01:00

o.c. reruns come on every day.

i watch them almost everyday.

yes, that's right. as an incredibly busy working mom, trying to hold a marriage and household together (with tons of help from my amazing husband) while raising a relatively healthy and functional daughter (who will hopefully not be from a divorced family), i take time out (after lyvi's bed time) to watch the o.c. we have a new t.v. feature where i can record it. so, god forbid, it doesn't work out where i can watch it that day, i settle in and watch 2 or 3 in a row. that is like super indulgence.

now, as a promoter of life balance, i completely believe in taking time out for fun. just for the sake of fun without some deeper meaning or greater good. but, this is questionable at best.

here is the problem, i cannot quit watching it. i have heard that marissa dies and that this is the last season. while i am crushed by this possibility, it can only be in my best interest.

judge me if you want. you aren't the first and won't be the last. but, come on, who doesn't want to be young, skinny, rich, and living on the beach. the story moves so fast that you can't help but be sucked in. i think my mom might even be falling in to it (of course, because of my negative influence).

i cannot imagine how my quality of life would be improved if i took that time and fed my soul in better ways. can you imagine? an hour sitting in the presence of god, cuddled up on your fathers lap each day. what could you possibly be lacking if you did this? i cannot even envision the benefits this would bring.

if you live somewhere that the new season has already started showing, do not tell me what happens or i will learn how to block you from my blog.

deciding to be offended

2006-09-30T13:31:00.000+01:00

i don't get offended easily. i think i have trained it out of myself. it is just too hard to get anywhere if you let little things be something you can't get past.

but this week i have made a conscious choice to start getting offended.

1. i was watching tommy lee's rockstar supernova final with tim the other night. yes, we just got it. it is the only episode i have seen. it was clear that the girl was the best overall "frontman" out of the final 4. she owned the stage, looked the part, had a rock voice. really the total package. the guy on the other hand, was good, but just good. not original, unique, or exceptionally talented in any capacity. you would not be able to pick him out of a frontman line up. just your run of the mill rockstar. but tommy and his boys chose the guy. it is clear he was chosen because they could not get over the girl factor. outrage. dilana did get a one album record deal for 2nd place. so, look for it when it comes out. i dare you to prove me wrong. i am offended as a female.

2. i saw a preview for the new zach braff movie. the one where he is getting married and has some pre-wedding crisis about his life ending. how come no movies ever revolve around the woman being afraid her life is ending? why is it that getting married has this rap? seriously, up until recently, getting married has not stopped men (as a broad sweeping generalization) from going on to do whatever they want in life. why the stereotype? i am offended as a married woman.

3. i watched a documentary where someone said something along the lines of - everyone in our band is from functional families because their parents were married. let me say, on behalf of children from divorced families everywhere, i truly believe my family would have been less functional had my parents stayed married. now, we can discuss divorce from a spiritual or scriptural perspective, but from a functional perspective i know i cannot be the only one who feels this way. i was offended as a fairly functional child of divorce.

being offended is a lost art. people either go overboard and get offended at every little thing or, like me, banish offense completely. being offended is a tool that should be used with caution and wisdom, but should be used. keep it as part of your arsenal, but not the only tool.

watch this space and i'll give you any updates on things i decide to be offended about.

par

2006-09-19T17:17:00.000+01:00

so, here i am...listening to the pop music yahoo station trying to catch up on new music, continuing to press the copy button every 20 copies on our small copier because that is all it can take at once without jamming and i am making that many copies because they are registration forms for the new after school club year, eating a chicken shish with the other hand, and blogging somewhere in between. i am trying to get as much done before my 6:00 meeting. thats right, a meeting at 6:00 in the evening, and i'm grateful. grateful that this guy was willing to squeeze me in today, my one big non-olyvia day this week.

from what i can tell this is my new normal as a working mom.

*BIG NEWS*
becca harvey is coming to our rescue. she has agreed to be our nanny for this school year! she gets here in a week and a half. i believe we have scheduled approximately 36 hours for her to get over jet lag before throwing her in to the deep end. okay, maybe a little more.

also, i am working on a work out play list. no comments.

here is the list so far....

beautiful day - u2-perfect to get me off my butt and in the right frame of mind
against the grain-garth brooks -he's from yukon...reminds me of home, plus decent lyrics
just a girl-no doubt- i want to be gwen stefani and this is an anthem for strong women
faith-george michael- i'm not sure if i'll keep this, but its fun, i also learned he is from north london
jesus is just alright-dctalk-this song is my whole high school and college life in one song, it makes me smile the most out of my whole list, rap of a bygone era
don't stop til you get enough- michael jackson- soon to be dropped, i can't find a michael jackson song i like with the right beat
crush your idols-charlie hall- possibly my favourite worship leader, tied with jeff goss. also from oklahoma (take note all those who think ohio is as good as oklahoma!)
undignified-david crowder band-there is nothing more undignified than me working out, plus a great beat
happy song-delirious-may get dropped, have you ever noticed ego in any of the delirious stuff? maybe its just my own issue, but it distracts me a little
stronger-britney spears- come on, it was written to work out to, plus at this point i start thinking, okay, i have done more than i would have sitting at home sitting on my butt watching the o.c. (more to come on that) so i need something to push me an extra few minutes.

this may be the only play list ever that includes charlie hall, no doubt, and garth brooks. but it is so me!

soon to be added (i.e. when i can figure out how to download onto my own ipod and don't have to rely on tim to be so inclined...it may be awhile)

promise of a new day-paula abdul -you know she makes you smile too, your just too proud to admit it!
let me entertain you-robbie williams (because he does, and its a little tribute to england, but he's not my boyfriend)

their are 2 requirements to be on my workout play list.

1. it must be upbeat to the point that is pushes me, not just catchy. you can see the above list as examples. i have had some other songs i tried and eliminated because their beat helps me slack, not hit my level 7 that oprah and bob green say i should shoot for.

2. it must make me smile. not random meaningless songs, but i must connect with them in some way. a memory, a person, something.

why do you care what my requirements are? because i am asking for your input. if you are still checking my blog at this point, then you probably care about me and know me pretty well. so, make your suggestions freely, but don't take it personally if your suggestion gets vetoed...

and i won't take it personally if there are no comments on this blog.

okay, that's not true. i totally will. so please think and comment. for my self esteem if nothing else!

update

2006-08-15T10:40:00.000+01:00

the short list of what i've been up to...

1. tim spent the week after school got out for the summer preparing to be the speaker at a scout jamboree camp in holland. so, i was on a solid week of full time mama duty. this was awesome and relieved much of my guilt about the preceding several weeks when i was having job meltdown and extreme mama guilt. it was just the change of pace i needed. plus i got caught up on some paperwork.

2. tim was deathly ill for a solid week and had to cancel on holland jamboree. i continued mama duty and added death bed nurse.

3. our friends jason and sara arrived just as tim was resurrecting. they were awesome and helped us pack. man, it must suck to visit someone the last week before they move!

4. we moved. our new house is approximately 3.5 miles from our old house. that makes it seem crazy. but in london that is a significant distance. it wasn't quite as organised as our last move, the big one across the pond. but we also didn't have a 10 month old and a car (big shout out to daniel... you saved our life... hope thailand rocks).

5. the day after the move we "celebrated" our 12th anniversary. we celebrated by going to ikea and buying a new home desk... as you do when you are white, middle class, and live in the suburbs. tim gave me this cool bracelet...i gave him a big hug. i suck.

6. today is my first day in the office in forever. i don't have to make a habit of this for another few weeks, so i won't! updating my blog is my first order of business! it was also my first "commute" it only takes about 30 minutes max, but i can take the tube so that makes it feel like a real commute.

its the eye of the tiger, the thrill of the fight

2006-07-14T19:57:00.000+01:00

you better flippin' believe it, ROCKY 6 baby! seriously, the preview is on yahoo movies! yeah, its legit!

oh, i'll be there, wearin the t-shirt, standing ovation at the beginning of the movie, singin along, the whole deal. (no, i don't really have a rocky t-shirt, but only because i haven't seen one for sale yet)

if you live in the u.s., keep december 22 open. i cannot yet confirm if that is an international release date or just u.s., but i'll keep you posted. the good news here is that since it is neither a bollywood movie or in turkish tim and i will easily get tickets and the theatre won't even be full. i am booking my baby sitter now...and encourage the rest of you parents to beat the rush!

i confess, i was losing faith. the rumor was always there on the fringes, along with indiana jones 4, but i built up a wall. i just could not wait any longer, i had to move on with my life. so, i apologize, rocky, forgive my faithlessness. i cannot wait to see you again, i have missed you...and adrian.

other sequels i would pre-book a sitter for....
indiana jones 4
grease 3
star wars 7
lethal weapon 5

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS!

2006-06-27T22:56:00.000+01:00

SOMEONE TURNED IN MY WALLET!!

i got a call from blockbuster that the police station in wood green had my wallet (what?). good thing i filed that worthless crime report so the stupid computer wouldn't work and they had to resort to using my blockbuster card for info. the system works great, guys.

it was found not more than a 5 minute walk from where it was nicked. it had been out in the rain (awesome). no sign of the top three...cash, clarkes voucher, or cafe nero card. but it did have my american drivers license (the real biggeee). i had already cancelled most of the cards although i am still waiting to hear back from one of my "email our company" emails...see, i told you!

anyway, there is at least one person in the st. ann's ward of haringey borough in london who wants me here. okay, three. i think tim and lyvi are still on my side.

it was turned in 9 days after it was stolen. so, i guess it just sat there...in the rain...emptied of the top 3...waiting. its not more than a 15 minute walk from here...weird.

in more shallow news...MARISSA DIES?? with the going to college thing, i think this may be the straw that breaks the oc's back. now i have to wait til january. no idea what i'll do.

also, my inlaws are stuck in the states...okc, dallas, chicago, new york. they have been delayed for A DAY! see, don't go through chicago no matter how much cheaper or quicker (on the itinerary) it looks.

yes, i am feeling better.

a bad week

2006-06-18T04:56:00.001+01:00

my wallet was stolen this week.

i was furious. i cried for about 48 hours. i have been ready to chuck it all and head back to oklahoma. it has completely knocked the wind out of my sails. tim thought that reminding me that our car stereo was stolen and used to bash our neighbour in the head while we lived there would help.

it didn't. he means well but sometimes has no idea what he's doing.

my allowance money i had been saving this month, an in store credit for clarkes that i was hoping to put toward new boots this autumn, and my completely filled free drink card for cafe nero are all gone. i cancelled my cards which was relatively painless...once i found the numbers. i hate this new thing of "email our company". whatever happened to 1-800 (0800) numbers, pressing one for the customer service line, holding for 2-47 minutes, then talking to a person. i know, i'm getting old.

the first time it happened i was devastated, felt violated, the whole thing. of course, half my money for my vacation was taken. money that my husband had given me from his own allowance for my trip. yeah, that sucked.

the second time, i was in denial. i had only been in london a couple months. i have kinda blocked that one out.

the third time it was a coin purse that only had my cash card(not debit because this country is not yet sure i can be trusted to spend my own money that i have chosen to place in their care!) and about 5 pounds. no biggie. just embarrassing.

this is the fourth time and i have lost my mind. something snapped. i have been homesick before. actually, its not that uncommon. but not like this. not the whiney, i miss sonic, nostalgic kind. its been more like staying here is not an option, this is too hard, they don't want me here (no, i don't know who they are), why am i fighting this, when is the next flight to oklahoma...that doesn't go through chicago?

okay, it had been a tough week at work, plus i think i am having some hormonal issues...we'll leave that one at that. so, it was the last straw.

a couple things have eased me up abit. first, in our cell group wednesday night we discussed the serious possibility of our cell leading an esol class (english for speakers of other languages) for our community service. i don't think community service is one of the categories lined out in the official cell model, but we have added it. the details and serendipity are too long for this post, but i am really excited about this possibility. friday morning i was the special guest at a choir festival held at the church of england 2 minutes from my house. the theme was who is my neighbour. putting little girls in their african (i'm going to guess nigerian) costumes to dance on stage and listening to children sing about friendship regardless of color helped too. plus some of our kids from our after school club were there and they waved at me from the audience the whole time i was on stage. i mean, who wouldn't melt at getting to present awards to elementary kids by bringing them up on stage and making them feel special.

it would be a tidy, sit com ending if i felt better. but i don't. the good stuff has just helped ease my crisis thinking. i am considering not going with a traditional wallet. let's just say i have found something, not intended to be used as a wallet, but could serve that purpose so the robbers won't take it. i can't say what it is because my blog is so widely read that robbers everywhere would catch on.

i told tim about my plan. he said it was sad to resort to that, but he thinks it may be a good idea too. it sucks that i am thinking like that.

yes, neall, its 5:30 in the morning.

more memories

2006-06-04T17:16:00.000+01:00

is it bad that "let's get it on" by marvin gaye reminds me of sean savage?

i told him a story about it and he started doing the first few notes...in a way that only sean savage can. its kinda our code for when we thought people were hookin up at camp.

anyway...that is sufficiently awkward....

you know the moment at the end of the church service when the final amen has been said and everyone is standing there wondering how long they have to wait to move? yeah, the awkward moment? well, my friend andrew grinnell told me that it is his favorite time in the service. i know.

so now i always think of andrew at that moment.

i thought of sean and andrew today.

rich, you are a dork. when people make stupid posts and waste their time...it reminds me of you.

stupid-head drew!

2006-05-31T17:48:00.000+01:00

so, at church this past sunday, we sang "Jesus, Be the Center". isn't it funny the things that trigger memories? i remember singing this song at a conference we had in the eastern territory, On the Edge. actually, i don't really remember singing it. i remember drew getting up, after we just sang it, and saying that he was disappointed when he saw that it was on the set list for the weekend because he thought it was "played out". he said this sarcastically because A) he's drew and B) it was very emotional and meaningful when we sang it. so now, thanks to drew i cannot hear this song without thinking of my friend drew, and that he thought it was played out. it is one of my modern song faves. but now i have to sing it with this kind of jaded smirk, because i cannot get drew out of my mind and focus on god. but, rest easy drew, i have come to celebrate the random memories of my life.

isn't it random the memories we gather along the way. to this day i cannot squeeze a tea bag without thinking of my friend joel. it reminds me of the summer that joel and i spent sitting together at a breakfast table at camp. pretty much every morning i would make a hot tea and squeeze the tea bag, because i want my tea as strong as humanly possible, and joel would stare at me. to this day, i don't understood why he was so interested in the fact that i squeeze my tea bag. we had this unspoken conversation every morning...

joel: i'm dead
me: me too. i am totally going to go to bed as soon as the villages are calm tonight.
joel: me too. can't we talk about god before midnight...ever?
me: i couldn't agree more.

...all without speaking a word.

i miss you joel and drew.

random memory triggers anyone? or does anyone still check my blog? probably better if no one does, less pressure to be witty and clever.

ps-joel, i just found out that my husband attributes the "fall of the staff center" in popularity among older (non-pyro) staff to me...and the caseworkers, and you and matt, that same summer. it's good he has found something else to blame me for.

is god cruel?

2006-05-22T20:08:00.000+01:00

from my title you may be thinking this is going to be a blog about how can evil exist in the world that is created to reflect such a beautiful and kind god...you would be wrong and must not know me very well.

no, my gut wrenching question comes from something much deeper and more painful (personally) to me than anything so profound (because my life is very comfortable).

how can god curse those he claims to love by allowing gray hair to overlap zits (spots)? i mean really, any one of these on their own sends shock waves through your confidence for several days. but together, you may as well clear your schedule, buy as much ice cream as you can carry, and hunker down in your house for a good week or so (and colour your hair while you wait out the zit). its like the polar opposite of celebrating the best of youth and getting older, its the worst of both.

in my "alcohol and other drugs" class (before i had gray hair). we learned about this concept called the synergistic effect. it basically means that if you take certain drugs at the same time they its not like taking one drug plus another drug but like multipication...one drug multiplies the effects of the other and vice versa. that is why it can be so dangerous, you don't know what the combination would be or how your body will respond.

gray hair and zits have a synergistic effect in my life. see, its true and educational!

i'm seriously considering stealing my neighbor's recycling bin

2006-03-30T09:46:00.000+01:00

okay, go ahead...call me a hypocrite. i will never deny it. but here is my justification...

our neighbor, janet, just sold her house. the guy that bought it has rented it out. but the new family has not moved in yet. when i shared my evil plan with my friend kate last night, she said it was okay, because if the new family wants to recycle they can order a bin when they arrive. besides, how do i know but that happened to us before we moved in? maybe it is kind of an intitiation to moving in to the neighborhood. should i deprive someone of the proper west green welcome? i mean, who am i to change a long-standing tradition in this neighborhood? shouldn't i show some respect to those who have gone before and established such a fine tradition?

yes, i've gone way to far.

no, my new bin has not arrived yet. but, if it ever does, i could offer it to the new neighbors. and if they don't want it, i could recycle twice as much. see, the environment would win too!

yes, i need a life.

you know you live in the ghetto when...

2006-03-18T05:10:00.000Z

your recycling bin is stolen

seriously...i really hope i am being punk'd in the lamest way ever. are you kidding me? my recycling bin was stolen? the one anyone in my borough can get for free by calling the council? of course, it did take me 8 months to get it. "haringey recycles" give me a break! how can "haringey recycle" when we don't even have enough bins for those in haringey who want to recycle to have a bin. we have to resort to stealing each other's recycling bins!

you know you live in the ghetto when you have to hide your new recycling bin so it won't get stolen.when i called the council they said my new bin would be here in 2-3 weeks. we'll see.

i hope i can find it and hide it before someone steals it.
yes, i feel much better now, thanks.

true blogging

2006-03-07T07:40:00.000Z

have you ever found yourself walking down the street, pushing the best baby in the world, and your mind wanders to the idea "what should i blog about?" as i caught myself, this thought begs the question, "who is blogging for?" is it a cathartic experience for the writer, meaning you are released to write whatever is in you at the minute (even if your friend says, "your blog depresses me") or is to impress your readership? is it to share clever insight, and up your image, or is it to pull out what's in you so you can learn more about yourself?

or you think of something you want to put out there, work through, whatever, but then you are like "ooh, what clever title can i use?". or worse yet, you have a great title, then you're like "what would i say about that?"

do not use the words "dialogue" or "conversation" in your comments or i promise i will figure out how to ban you from my blog site!

:)

lame lent

2006-03-01T16:10:00.000Z

this post is not a slam to the season of lent in any way, so check yourself before you spew any venom this direction...i believe that kind of response is for tims blog!

i have spent the last couple weeks pondering the upcoming lent season...which begins today. i have considered what to "give up". i ran through my past experiences and what i have heard others share: tv, pop, chocolate. in my quest for inspiration i also considered what i could add to my life, a lesser known aspect of lent. so i thought...and waited. i was waiting for that lightning strike idea. you know, the one that as soon as you get it, you know that is what god has for you. even if your first response is "groan..., ugh" you still know it's what you are going to end up doing.

...nothing...

...then it was waiting for me this morning...

for lent this year, i am giving up guilt. while i have always tended toward the feeling guilty end of the spectrum, my new life is riddled with guilt. am i doing enough at work, compromising my daughter's infancy experience, keeping my marriage healthy, being the best steward i can with my household, money, and time; am i eating enough fruit and vegetables, exercising enough....etc.

so, for lent i am giving up guilt and embracing grace and freedom. now, the staunch protestant in me rises up and warns, "careful...do not use your freedom as an excuse for sin." but i have decided to throw caution to the wind and explore these two characteristics that are that core of who my god is.

for lent, i commit to make the best decision i can at that moment...then let it go...and rest in the truth that i am making the best decision i can at that moment.

right now i am going to help my daughter fall asleep for her late afternoon nap

happy lent, may you get to know a new part of god

2006-02-07T03:03:00.000Z

never mind...ignore my smart comment at the end of the last entry.

now i am completely overwhelmed....

time to blog?! ...you must be kidding...

2006-02-04T23:44:00.000Z

i am a working mother...even as i type that i don't really believe it. but all the evidence is there. when i am with my daughter i think about work and when i am at work i think about my daughter. i feel like i am only doing about half of what i can in either of these areas. then, somewhere in there, i have a husband, too...i think. my house is constantly on the brink of complete chaos. if i don't do laundry tomorrow, my daughter will have to spend the day after in only a nappy, naked but her diaper. we've eaten nothing but take out for 3 days.

right now, i wouldn't have it any other way.

it is no secret...

2006-01-17T06:34:00.000Z

you may or may not know that i used to work at the library. yes, it was by choice. and worse than that... i loved it. i would still consider it one of my favorite all time job, my second favorite even. my first? what i'm doing now. sorry if that chesses you out, but it's just true. although on a hard day, the library gets bumped up to number one.

it has recently come to my attention that i may know a secret that is not known to the average citizen. it is a trick i learned during my illustrious career as a librarian assistant. so, as an act of benevolence, i bestow on you the best tip in internet searching i have found...

the quotes. if you use an internet site to search for something on the internet (called a search engine, like google), you can search for something more accurately if you put what you are looking for in quotes. like if you are looking up song lyrics, for example (as i was recently doing for my father in law). if you type in....

"it is no secret what god can do"
the search engine looks for those exact words, in that order, all together in a phrase. if you just type in...

it is no secret what god can do
then the search engine looks for any sites with any of those words and will list sites that have any of those words in them the most first. does that make sense? anyway, putting the phrase in quotes just helps eliminate a lot of the irrelevant sites that come up.

as my internet savvy husband did not know this trick, it occurred to me that it may not be common knowledge. i wish all of you happy and effective internet searching. give it a try and let me know.

probably none of you read this, but a big shout out to all my homies at the carnegie library of pittsburgh, downtown branch...thanks for all the good times and memories.

me against the music (britney, madonna)

2006-01-17T05:30:00.000Z

music and lyrics...a tale as old as time, tune as old as song. who's side are you leaning on?

as for me, i'm all about the lyrics. i recognize that more artistic types see the beauty of god revealed through the pure medium of music. i get it, and have even been known to get caught up in pure music occassionally myself. but as this perspective generally falls to the more artistic types (like my husband), i tend to live in the tangible world of lyrics. if a song has great music, but nothing new to offer me in lyrics, i probably won't give it a fair shot.

so, to all my aspring songwriter friends, and it seems i have more per capita than average, a message from your lyrically minded, musically challenged friend...say something new! not to be overly judgmental, because i get that it's art and a person's art can't really be judged by another, but if you are wanting to write something that connects with me, either give me something new to chew on or voice what i am already working through.

is it sacreligious to say that worship is played out? i don't want a new Delirious cd, even the edgier stuff is not that edgy to me any more...david crowder, chris tomlin...i've heard the new stuff. if you think there is something i'm missing, please let me know. while in oklahoma, tim stumbled onto this new guy, derek webb. he has some seriously meaty lyrics. if you are with me, you should totally check him out. he lyrically struggles with politics, war, apathy, and homelessness and how they should be affected by the command to "love your neighbor as yourself". if i knew how to make a link on this stupid blog i would, but i can't, so you're on your own! they do sell the cd at mardels, for all my midwest readers! (okay, i just checked out tim's blog and he has pretty much just written the same blog...a little scary. but he has a song you can listen to and the lyrics posted. it's not my fave on the album, but it will give you an idea. for the record my fave is number five. no, i don't know the name).

don't get me wrong, i think god is great, but he is alot of other things too. how is it that his being great has cornered the market when it comes to sung worship and other parts of him go unpraised? there is more to the bible than psalms, check out the old testament. if you struggle with the old testament, piggy back on someone ...rob bell, beth moore...there are a whole new generation of bible teachers you can probably relate to. i guess that goes beyond songwriting. maybe the shallow tendency in songwriting is reflecting a shallow experience of god in the church. maybe the problem isn't the writing...it's the fact that the writing is coming from the hearts of people who are ignorant of the scripture. not to place blame, there is a balance of responsibility. each person is ultimately responsible for their own spiritual growth, but it can be hard if the church is not calling you on and instilling a belief that digging in the bible is of critical importance to your own spiritual experience.

so, here are a few of my ideas...

the bitter waters of marah (exodus): come on, that is a song about my hear just begging to be written

isaiah 61: it seems i have heard a song about this before, but i need a rock version. get my blood going and make me believe he has anointed me to bind up the broken hearted, etc. (okay, but rock worship is my bent...it may not be for everyone...but i love the passion that is expressed through the music-instrumental and vocal-...maybe i am a little artsy after all!)

genesis 12: when god tells abram to go to a land to which god will send him. whether we have physically left home or not, god is calling us all to go to a land of some kind.

any song that is pure scripture put to music. it may sound very sunday school, but we all remember words put to music. why is a pure scripture set to music just a kids thing? while we were in oklahoma i bought a cd for olyvia that is just that...unfortunately it is by steve green and all cheesy musically. tim just rolled his eyes when he heard it. he said he was happy we have it and that we will totally play it for her as much as possible, but it is just painful for his personal music taste. the upside is that i have been walking around the last couple days singing "do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good". i guess this has reminded me of the good ol' days in youth group singing "seek ye first the kingdom of god..." and "create in me a clean heart...". does it have to be that way? obviously not. but just like we have become apathetic in bible study as a church culture, we have written off scripture to music as a cheesy kid thing. would someone please find a way to make this relevant to me? and while you're at it, please pick a scripture i haven't heard a thousand times. thanks.

there have been a few exceptions. susan ashton had one about psalm 121. and water deep has one about pslam 18 (one of my favorite psalms). but by and large we are singing warm, fuzzy phrases. i don't mind a little warm and fuzzy, but give me something gut wrenching, that will mess me up and force me to examine my soul. i need conviction, to be disturbed. foster my holy discontent, and challenge me to consider parts of scripture, attributes of god that i would rather ignore. i don't need to be lulled into apathy by focusing on the grace of god any more. i need to be called to die to my flesh and be more than i am now. when i am questioning all the foundations of my faith, warm and fuzzy doesn't give me something to hang my hat on. you know?

okay, i'll step down from my soap box now.

Reflections on holiday

2006-01-14T14:45:00.000Z

the word holiday comes from the two words holy and day. in my new home it is used to mean vacation.

dictionary.com says "A day free from work that one may spend at leisure, especially a day on which custom or the law dictates a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate a particular event... leisure time away from work devoted to rest or pleasure; "we get two weeks of vacation every summer"; "we took a short holiday in Puerto Rico" [syn: vacation] 2: a day on which work is suspended by law or custom; "no mail is delivered on federal holidays"; "it's a good thing that New Year's was a holiday because everyone had a hangover" v : spend or take a vacation [syn: vacation]

so here's my question: when did a "holiday" cease to be holy? a holiday (vacation) has become aobut seeing, doing, going. my friends chris and hayley (and josh and peter) recently holidayed in california. they were mesmerized by america's number one vacation activity...outlet mall shopping. seriously, i read it in consumer reports, but that was a few years back. really, as americans we get the shortest amount of vacation known to man (okay, that may be a bit of an overstatement, but you get my point) and we spend our two weeks a year at the outlet mall trying to resist cinnamonster? how is that any different then the time we spend at our local mall the rest of the year. and besides, there is no resisting the cinnamonster. at this time i'd like to send a shout out to my homies in the suffern area with the mall i've been to that rocks the most.

i'd like to focus on the part of the definition: leisure time devoted to rest and pleasure. my friend sandjea calls her day off her "sabbath". she does this because her job is working at a church, so sunday is not really a sabbath for her. although i suspect, and fear, it is not a sabbath for many of us. i like that she calls it that. if i ask her if she wants to or can do something on such and such she says, "it's my sabbath" and leaves it at that. because she approaches it like that, a holy rest, it is easy for me to respect that time. when was the last time you saw real rest or pleasure at the mall (outlet or otherwise)? is another pair of shoes, a new bag, or a pair of jeans really going to bring me rest or pleasure? well...okay...if i could fit into a pair of jeans at american eagle right now that might bring real pleasure :).

my friend drew is always putting lyrics on his blog, so here is my version of meaningful lyrics

Holiday(Madonna)

Holiday Celebrate
Holiday Celebrate

[Chorus:]
If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice

Everybody spread the word
We're gonna have a celebration
All across the world
In every nation
It's time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together
To release the pressure
We need a holiday

[chorus]

You can turn this world around
And bring back all of those happy days
Put your troubles downIt's time to celebrate
Let love shine
And we will find
A way to come together
And make things better
We need a holiday

[chorus]
Holiday Celebrate
Holiday Celebrate

[chorus]
Holiday Celebrate
Holiday Celebrate
Holiday,
Celebration
Come together in every nation

new years resolutions (no, it doesn't get anymore stereotypical than this)

2006-01-02T03:57:00.000Z

i am looking for new years resolution inspiration. at the new years eve party we attended, i asked my friends, old and new, for inspiration and this is what i got.

my friend jeff is resolving to have more sex....that's it. thanks guys.

as for me, i am resolving to accessorize more.

beyond that i have a blank. the idea of resolving to put more into bible study and prayer is so nauseating to me that i can't even bring myself to think it, let alone say it, or conceive of it in any new terms.

on new years day, day i saw at least 10 people running.

am i cynical because i am jealous or because i have given up?

i forgot "journey"

2006-01-02T03:23:00.000Z

i'm also boycotting the word journey, but i forgot about it until i passed "journey church" today (puke!). i think i will add "pointe" to the list on a whim as the new, cool churches here end in pointe. here's what i think right now. if you think god is leading you to start a church, he probably is...why wouldn't he be...but he's probably not calling you start a church within 5 minutes any direction from a location of an already existing church*. okay, i'll stop there. if this gets you stirred up, check out tim's blog.

*the author reserves the right to change her mind at any time for any reason, possibly based on nothing more substantial than the amount of sleep she had the night before

"boycott hell" (DeGarmo & Key, Newsboys)

2005-12-30T09:32:00.000Z

it seems everyone i know is boycotting something. cari is boycotting target, my father in law is boycotting rebates, my dad avoids wal mart like the plague, my husband is boycotting any t-shirt that isn't black with some clever saying on it. its got me wondering what am i boycotting? so here's a list:

-christmas cards: they kill trees, require time i can never find, my addresses are more wrong than right, my handwriting is illegible,...and my husband thinks it is the quaint "wifely" thing to do (a sure way to get me to boycott!)

-american eagle: since the joy of olyvia entering our lives i am now too big to buy jeans there. yes, it was a soul crushingly painful discovery. fortuneately it was with my skinny long legged friend debbie...who wears a 3/4 or 5/6 (american size). i can post that because she never gets on the internet!

-the book "captivating": because it's not and i already know that women have wounds

-the following words: organic, community, fellowship, need (as in "i need new shoes" because i have no idea what need is)

-sainsburys online shopping: because 2 times they have not delivered our online grocery order...with no notice, because our order was "suspicious". how suspicious can it be when everything was ordered off your website?

-perfume: i already put on at least 5 products a day that are scented. if i don't smell good from that, then it's just not gonna happen.

-olyvia's car seat base: no one can figure out how to install it. yesterday when i picked tim up at the end of a 30 minute drive she was tipped over on her side in her car seat because of that stupid thing. she didn't even make a noise so i had no idea until tim saw it. yes, that's how bad of a mother i am.

-natures gate tens machine: this pain relief thing i rented for labour. it kept randomly shorting out. kill me.

i'm sure i'll come up with others, but this is where i am up to for now.

wal mart update: two nights ago i was sharing my new burning fossil fuels/supporting a corporate monopoly struggle with my internet challenged friend debbie. she said that target supports gay media. we decided we don't really have any idea what that means. my friend jeff said that wal mart is being sued because they weren't letting their workers have lunch! right now i think i'd rather support gay whatever than a corporate monopoly because i think it does more damage. thoughts?

whats more...

2005-12-23T04:36:00.000Z

whats more, i have learned (and seen with my own eyes) that wal mart is effectively backing the anti-wal mart movement. they have recently (since the last time i was in this country) launched a new sub chain of stores called something like "neighborhood wal mart" that are smaller! more like the size of an eckerd or walgreens (boots to my u.k. homies). mom says they are just like a small grocery store (as i have yet to go in one...see previous posts!). so, let me get this straight. wal mart has picked up on the anti-wal mart "it's too busy, hard to get in and out of, parking a mile away, too big to find anything" sentiment...and has created a store to address the customers not shopping with them for those reasons... that has to be capitalism at its best...or worst. have you ever heard of a company creating a product to market to people who don't like their product? to encourage the revolutionary cultural shift against their company?

that is truly amazing to me

its kind of reminiscent of the old navy/gap/banana republic phenomena. or the fact that the trendy hair place and the family hair place in your local mall are owned by the same company. did you know that? so, if you're looking for a cheap hair cut you can go to one place, and if you want to feel you are paying for quality you can go to the other. its kinda like that...but on speed

do you think target and wal mart are owned by the same company?

on top of that...

2005-12-23T04:29:00.000Z

on top of the previous musings is this new tidbit of knowledge i am mulling over...

the population of the u.s. is 5% of the worlds popluation...and we consume 25% of the worlds total energy consumption. i recently learned that by reading an article about how the inuit population of canada is suing the u.s. government as liable for climate change that is affecting their ability to continue to live in the way that is true to their heritage...a whole different matter to think about.

so is it better to shop at super wal mart, the monopoly, or use more gas to drive to super target, which is further away...and continue to jack up the inuit population?

no, i don't think they sell hybrid cars yet in oklahoma....

the land where everything is big

2005-12-20T21:10:00.000Z

okay, my culture shock is subsiding and i am now remembering the glories of being in the states. our first day here we went to wal mart...because that's what you do. seriously, we only brought enough diapers and formula for the flight, because we thought we'd buy them here (along with some toiletries for ourselves) rather than lugging them across the ocean. yes, we are quite smart. so while still reeling from jet lag, and leaving my daughter with someone other than her father while i was gone for the first time (okay, it was with 3 grandparents...but still... you parents are with me), i found myself parking a quarter mile away from the entrance and walking smack dab into consumer mecca...super wal mart. we immediately saw someone we knew...also part of the wal mart experience here in oklahoma. i couldn't help look around me and take it in. i went looking for vitamins first. on the vitamin aisle i faced an insurmountable, unintelligible wall of vitamins ...floor to ceiling...the whole aisle. i know we all have individual health needs, but really? ... a wall of vitamins? i had to ask for help. then i had to ask where the face soap section was, not by the body soap...because they each need their own aisle! the directions went something like this, "walk a quarter mile down this big aisle, take a right at cosmetics, you'll go through two stop lights, past the garth brooks photo over head, two intersections past the grocery store and it's on your left." once i got there, i found some anti-wrinkle, co-enzyme Q10, alpha and beta hydroxy super soap (yes, that's what it's come to), but couldn't find glycerine soap. i gave up. give me a break, how long am i going to spend shopping for soap? i finally found tim in electronics (kill me), where i was immediately bombarded with explanations i will never understand let alone remember about cell phone costs, pre-pay plans, blah, blah, blah. next to the baby section for diapers and formula, each their own aisle and wall of stuff. we finally asked a woman what she used, picked up a can and got out.

how americans can still be overweight when walking around super wal mart is so fundamental to our culture is beyond me.

we stopped at taco bueno on our way home to pick up lunch for us and the grandparents. i ordered a medium fanta fruit punch along with my burrito as a way of clinging to some london culture, in the midst of my assimilation process. the medium was bigger than any large i could get in london. it was so big, i thought they had given me the wrong size, so we asked the lady at the drive through and she said, "no, that is the medium" and kind of smiled.

now, i've had friends and friends of friends who talk about culture shock upon returning from some extreme type of mission...romania, eastern asia. but london? really?

when i need vitamins in london i walk 2 minutes to the chemist, they ga-ga over olyvia for about 2 minutes...how big she's getting, what's she doing now..then i pick a bottle of vitamins from one of the 4 they sell: prenatal, women's, men's, seniors. and pay. total time spent 5 minutes. i may have to wait behind a couple customers if it's a busy time, so i don't go then :)

how do you handle a monopoly? wal mart is taking over the world, one town at a time...but they have everything i need. should i try to shop at super target??? is that any better? i know that's not exactly supporting a mom and pop business, but they are the only ones with any possibiltiy of competing against wal mart. so, i could at least support a healthy business competition. that has to be better than surrendering to the financial inevitability of wal mart. right? the bible says the more you know the more you are responsible for. so, i think i'll quit thinking about it.

anyway, i better go... i gotta pick up a few things at wal mart :)

the lord will provide

2005-11-26T07:04:00.000Z

so, the book i am "reading" (and i use the term loosely) right now is Praying the Names of God. it's perfect for me because it gives a smidgen of teaching and lots of room for meditation and prayer. i tend to go for the brainy stuff, focus on learning more about god, rather than getting to know him more. i know that's not bad, but i need some help in balancing it out at times.

Yireh comes from the hebrew word "raah" which means to see. the word provision comes from two latin words that mean to see beforehand. What that means is that to god the seeing and the providing are the same thing. so it's not so accurate to say god sees and provides. to god the seeing is the providing. he cannot see and not provide. just by the fact he sees beforehand, he is providing. that amazes me. to be able to see beforehand seems mystical, it conjures up images of gypsy fortunetellers with turbans and crystal balls, that machine from the movie"Big". but the idea that for my god seeing and acting on my behalf are inseparably linked is beyond humbling. it provides comfort beyond what i have known, even in god, up til now.

my friend debbie taught me that god gives grace for now. as i have watched her on her journey...learning to be mother, wife, daughter, friend, obedient...the decisions she has had to make. i have seen her live out god's provision for the moment. it sounds so trite to say, but god really does provide. what is going on right now? god has seen it and therefore has been compelled by his very nature, by who he is....his name....to act on our behalf by giving us what we need. will i see it or will i depend on my own resources?

it reminds me of manna. god gave it to the israelites in the dessert, but they still had to get off their butts every morning to get it. there is a balance. it's not working, it's not earning god's provision, it's putting ourselves in a position to receive it...whenever and however it comes, so we don't miss out on getting know the providing part of who god is. because he is providing in our lives and wants to more, but it's up to us if it goes unnoticed or draws us into deeper intimacy, awe, admiration in our relationship to him.

...the lord will provide...

from the horse's mouth

2005-10-09T15:14:00.000+01:00

hello world.

i am writing to say i am not ready to re-enter functioning society yet. please don't take it personally. i haven't called anyone yet...good thing my mom is here! i just checked my email for the first time and was completely overwhelmed...so after this post i plan to go back in to hiding...evidently i have the right to do that and i plan to take advantage of it!

tim has passed along all your well wishes, they mean the world to olyvia and i as we try to readjust to life. right now our goals are eating and sleeping...both of us! i just had some chicken downstairs and it was like going on a field trip...most of our time is in our bedroom, olyvia's bedroom, or the bathroom!

although we had a bumpy start, we seem to be recovering physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. we are really focused on getting to know each other right now.
as for what she's like, we learn more each day. she has this adorable crinkly face for when life is just too much and she sticks out her "pouty lip". daddy in particular melts at this one. her skin is too big for her, it's pretty baggy. she has little frog legs that never straighten out. her feet are a little bit bigger than the rest of her, they are long! her hair is ridiculous, but she has hat head most of the time right now. her daddy brushes it alot, he is her stylist! he picks her outfits and accessories (meaning the socks we put on her hands, even her baby scratch mits are too big!).

yesterday the midwife came by to check us out, that's normal here. we are both on track. olyvia weighed 7lbs 2oz. this is great because babies tend to lose a few ounces after they are born while learning to feed and sleeping more than they eat. the midwife says it usually takes up to 10 days for babies to regain weight up to their birth weight. olyvia and i have done it in 5! yea us! that is the best news i have had since knowing she was born safely and healthy.

okay, olyvia is hungry, so nothing else matters right now!

thanks again for all your support,
jamie and olyvia miller

38 weeks...we have done it!

2005-09-19T05:13:00.000+01:00

we have done it!! the peanut and i have achieved the illusive zen like state known as "normal". after weeks of fretting and worrying, "why aren't we normal? is it something i have done or not done? was it that crack i've been smoking? :)" my doctor (we call that a consultant here) has confirmed that we have arrived! i am proud to say that it has virtually nothing to do with me! just a random part of life and labour...evidently.

my consultant had explained to me a couple weeks ago that we were "on the low end of normal" in regard to my level of amniotic fluid and the baby's weight. what a strange place to be. not quite up to the standard, a little less than everyone else. my consultant is fabulous and has a great approach to the whole thing. she says, basically you are healthy, so we assume you will have a healthy baby and birth unless things come up to tell us otherwise. so, she has been brilliant at not getting all panicky and overly-medical in light of our "shortcomings".

for the last couple weeks i have been thinking about what it means to be normal. in western culture, we are obsessed with how we are doing in relation to everyone else. we seem to have lost the value in individuality and personal journey. not only in all things physical (height, weight, clothing size, style) but in life choices as well: marriage (age, type, roles, etc.), jobs, financial status, success, happiness. we are driven by this undercurrent of "how am i doing compared to everyone else?" what a prison...and a crock! how in the world can i ever find any freedom to be who and how god has uniquely designed me if this quest for normal is pulsing through my veins? i would like to say i have this great insight and confidence now to go about living my life in the honesty of my individuality...but i know my resolve will only last until i see the next issue of heat mel brings in!

anyway, back to the baby. no more monitoring, no more scans, no more extra consultant visits...for now! not unless i go past my due date or have some reason to believe there is a problem with the baby. her estimated weight is 6lbs. 9oz. that is now, not for when she is due. if she gains the half pound a week she is supposed to, that will put her at a perfect 7 1/2 lbs.

as for me, i am still much smaller than i thought i would be and significantly smaller than the other women i see at the same point in their pregnancy. my theory is that i am broad (like in my hips and shoulders) especially for my height. so the peanut has had more space side to side which means she hasn't needed to spread out front quite as much. no one with any actual medical credibility or scientific knowledge has confirmed this, but i feel it is based on good logic. tim has reworded it into "good birthing hips". what a dork.

Our Nursery

2005-09-13T22:39:00.000+01:00

Several of you have been asking to see the new nursery. Well here it is! Page down to see more. You can also click on them for a larger veiw.

2005-09-13T22:31:00.000+01:00

2005-09-13T22:28:00.000+01:00

2005-09-13T22:21:00.000+01:00

Tim built this shelf and hanging rack (with his own bare hands) out of raw materials. No kits needed. Notice how it perfectly matches the cot (crib). What a stud!

2005-09-13T22:16:00.000+01:00

Nighttime veiw...

we own diapers...holy crap! :)

2005-09-07T01:07:00.000+01:00

so, when i came home today my husband, father of our child, had bought some of our first supplies for the nursery. we have most of the decorating sorted, but hadn't yet filled it with the stuff of real day to day life...like diapers.

i walk into the nursery to see what he had done and there was a big, fat package of diapers sitting in the bouncy chair. (0kay, it's actually the smallest, cutest little package of diapers for newborns...) another wave of reality washed over me. it seems there is no end to the random things that happen in the process of bringing forth another life to overwhelm, shock, and surprise you. and sometimes it is the most random things...like diapers. there are the biggies, hearing the heartbeat the first time, first ultrasound/scan, etc. but then there the million little things that come up. and this is definitely one of those.

we own diapers...what is happening to the world i live in?

most surprising symptoms of pregnancy

2005-09-06T01:49:00.000+01:00

(not necessarily in any order...just the way they are coming out of my head right now!)

- bloody noses :who knew? if you want to know why, i'll tell you one to one
- weak nails: i thought that because they grew quicker they would also be stronger, not true; evidently all your vitamins and minerals go to the baby so there are none left to make your fast growing nails strong!
-insomnia: well, not insomnia as much as the disco dancing and break dancing whenever she feels like it
- i'm a vegetarian!: i know, it is shocking. but not the good kind. i have developed a craving for hummous, which i had barely tried before, on certain crackers or rice cakes.
-cravings are a sham: well, to me. other than the inexplicable relationship with hummous, i crave the exact same things i did before i was pregnant! plus since everything takes more effort and makes you more tired you have a stronger sense of deserving treats. "i just made it through an all day meeting without falling asleep...i'll have as many darn krispy kreme doughnuts as i want!"
-overactive sense of smell: seriously, if tim makes any food that i am not wanting right then i think i am going to hurl! if something in the fridge is even thinking about going bad, i know days ahead of time! crazy weird.
-heartburn: kill me...kill me...every day...for the last 9 months. i should have bought stock in gaviscon. the rumor is that it ends like as soon as you give birth...immediately. well i guess that is one reason to look forward to the actual giving birth part of having a baby...well, that and the baby!
-how small my bump is: i guess since i've been "husky" (did anyone else have to wear those awful husky clothes as a kid?...trauma) my whole life, i assumed i would be the biggest pregnant lady ever! not true. actually, the times i've been around other women at my same point, i am smaller! and not just the lady with twins! i have heard that can change alot the last few weeks, so we'll see!
-what it feels like when the baby "kicks": maybe it's just sheniqua and i, but she doesn't kick so much as flop around. her favourite move seems to be headspins on my bladder!
-digestion: we'll leave it at that...but there are a couple brutal issues here!

36 weeks...and i've hit the wall!!

2005-09-04T14:07:00.000+01:00

so, evidently the peanut and i have been bopping along through the pregnancy. occasionally she slows me down, demands my attention "no, you can't sleep, i need to practice my breakdancing!", but for the most part we have continued to take care of business with relatively little difficulty or drama.

then i hit week 36...this is what i thought it would be like when i crossed into third trimester. but, since there was no change i allowed myself to be lulled into the lie that it would be like that through the end. now i not only need to give myself extra time to get things done and prioritize what i want to get done to do first (because i may not make it) but i have to prepare myself for random chunks of time that i may just crash: physically, emotionally, sleepily (?).

today was a good day, i was able to focus on work for 3 hours straight! i also had enough energy to go to a meeting of people from community churches. those days usually follow a solid night of sleep, which only happens every other night at most, sometimes once every 3 nights. i try to sleep whenever the urge hits, if possible with meetings, appointments, and errands. i am starting to have this fear of going into labour after i have pushed myself to the edge and not be able to get a good few hours sleep first.

good news about my placenta!

2005-09-02T01:51:00.000+01:00

well, it seems my placenta has risen to where it should be (yea, me!). although my level of amniotic fluid is still low, i have more than i did last time, which is good. it is very strange to think my body is constantly making these adjustments and changes. it is me...my body...and yet, according to everyone i have found to ask, there is absolutely nothing i can do to make my own body respond differently...it is the closest i have come to an out of body experience!

the midwife who did our non-achievement test (which i now know is called "monitoring"), said "the baby sounds happy" which i gather is her translation of the fact that the peanut has a strong heartbeat. i am pretty sure that is every mother's dream to hear...another person telling you i can tell your baby is happy and healthy. we still have to do some more monitoring, but i don't really mind, the reassurance is comforting.

we also learned that the computer programme estimates the peanut's weight as 5lbs. 7 oz.! who knew that an ultrasound could estimate that! i guess from the measures they do there is probably some kind of magic formula. anyway, that's cool! the scanner said that she is just the size she should be at this point!

okay, that's the end of the bragging...for now!

learning to rest

2005-09-01T02:14:00.000+01:00

we all have parts of life we are better at and others we struggle with. with the insight of age (ugh!) i have started to see that i don't rest well.

there is a healthy balance we all need to maintain between activity and inactivity, between stress overload and complete boredom.

jesus said, "come to me all who are weary and i will give you rest...you will find rest for your soul". rest is something i strongly believe in, passionately defend, and vehemently argue on behalf of...but i have no idea how to do. the last couple years i have been blessed with these amazing pockets of time to rest...and i think i "bomb and bomb big "(tom cruise, a few good men). it may be the area of my poorest stewardship regarding the gifts and blessings of god.

do i only know how to relate to my god on a gut-wrenching level? i believe much of the peace in my life right now is god rewarding past commitments and decisions i have made (marriage, money, job, baby). i don't say that arrogantly, for it is only the supernatural miracle of my god that i was able to fumble my way through darker times of critical choice. but, i am reaping what i have sown...in a good way..."sow the wind, reap the whirlwind" (proverbs,...and emilio estevez as billy the kid in young guns!). so, now i have a whirlwind of blesssings...and i don't know what to do with that. how do you stay faithful when it's easy?

even as i write that, it seems like a joke! there is so much about life that is not easy (see previous post about labour!). our neighbourhood is tough, real tough, in many ways. probably tougher than we will let on...because we don't want you to worry, moms! and grown up relationships are tough, and being financially responsible is tough, and loving others like christ is tough, and putting your life and actions where your passion and mouth are is tough. but what do you do once you find peace in the midst of the storm of your life? it's like this illusive goal you want to believe in, but deep down are afraid that maybe it's just a fairy tale, so you keep following your treasure map, then all of a sudden there it is. now what? national treasure, indiana jones, stupid sahara (starring my boyfriend matthew mcconaughey...it sucked!)...none of them show how someone who has been consumed with a treasure hunt for years of their life responds once they find it. well, i guess indy always finds another treasure to hunt...no comments allowed about the urban myth of the 4th movie...i know, "but it was on relevant's website". don't believe the hype!

maybe that's it, finding another treasure to hunt. maybe i need to hunt rest? is that an oxymoron?

what sucks is the foreknowledge that it is a "season" of rest. that sounds so spiritual. what i mean is, i know it is coming to an end. not in a broader sesne of the circle of life, cycles, etc. but literally, by the calendar...vacation has an end, summer has an end, christmas break has an end...and the end of this season is approaching....quickly.

i want to be with god without the drama, without the hype; in the calm that can only come on the other side chaos, in the joy that can only come after intense sorrow, in the peace that can only come on the other side of battle, in the bird-chirping dawn that only comes after the terror by night, in the intimacy that can only come on the other side of conflict, in the deep breathing that can only come after suffocation...in the resurrection that only comes after death; i want to know christ, in his death, in the fellowship of his suffering.

is the true test of my faith how i respond when it's easy? i have learned well the lesson of clinging to god in times of desperation, brokenness, pain, confusion...but don't know how to cling to him without those. is it the same thing the church struggles with now? the spriritual explosion is occurring where there is the most intense persecution, but here in the west...well, pretty pathetic by jesus' standards.

how do we find the balance between breaking points and apathy? how do you "be with god" when not driven to your knees by exterior circumstance?

i have been meditating on psalm 91 for the last couple months. verse one is this:

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

it is so poetic and beautiful...and i have no idea what it means. i am figuring out that if i want to rest in the shadow of the almighty (which sounds darn good and like exactly what i am looking for!) then i need to dwell in the shelter of the most high...now to just have any clue as to how a person actually does that. like when i wake up in the morning and am like "what am i doing today, what do i need to do today? oh, i do need to dwell in the shelter of the most high...i will do that right after breakfast"

god, how do i dwll in the shelter of the most high?

has anyone else figured this out yet? no spiritual cheese allowed!

2005-08-29T15:24:00.000+01:00

so, this is me at about 28weeks...and the new lawn furniture! i know, i don't look that pregnant. my self-esteem is still a little too fragile to try to look too pregnant in pictures! you can find another picture of me on tim's blog. in that one i am a few weeks further along. i'll try to put a link on here, if i can figure that out! you can find me under the post "jehosofat"...yes, he is a very sensitive husband :)

35 weeks...and i'm growing out of my maternity clothes

2005-08-29T13:48:00.000+01:00

okay, now we have a problem. even my maternity clothes are getting snug! they have these great panels for your belly, for those who don't know. however, they do not have panels for your hips or thighs! that's becoming a bit of a problem!

i went on a tour of the maternity ward today. yeah, talk about a dose of reality. i have committed to quit using the phrase "i might go into labour". as in, "well, when we go to brighton this weekend i might go into labour". although technically correct, i need to get to grips with the fact that i am really going to go into labour at some time. anyway, it helped relieve some of my anxiety of giving birth in this strange health care world! they have these cool balls, like the ones in vogue at the gyms now, i guess it is some new fangled "labour without drugs" thing. they also have birthing pools, which look like a cross between a bathtub and a jacuzzi. right now i am definitely leaning in that direction! but i think it could just be that i have watched one too many cribs episodes and am picturing sipping cristal (i mean sparkling cider...of course!) while chillin...somehow i don't think that is what the birthing pools are about! anyway, it all seems fine.

have i mentioned that i keep my own medical file? that is actually very cool. it makes me feel very much in control, which i really like! today at the hospital they said we should be carrying them with us all the time...when i go shopping, to the movies, work, church...whatever! so, like, i have to take my notes when i go for a check up, they don't keep them at the hospital. the idea is that way if anything happens, i have my own info and can go in to the closest hospital and get help immediately, they won't have to track down my info. it felt a little strange at first, but now i really like it, it helps me feel better prepared. i also think it promotes an ownership of your own medical care by putting the responsibility back on you, rather than the old school way of just blindly following whatever your doctor says.

in nursery news, we have made big progress! yea, us! we have a room almost completely painted. that is all tim, he didn't seem to want my help. something about the fact that i don't bend well, shouldn't really be standing on ladders and such, plus the fumes and the two of us trying to paint in the smallest bedroom you have ever seen in your life...i think he thought he could work faster without me! anyway, it is khaki and cute! we were able to commit to painting because we committed to curtains. okay, we definitely got stuck on that step! we got these cute green curtains with dragon flies and dotted lines tracing they have flown. we did not cope well with the limitless selection of baby decor available! plus i think we fell a little bit into the whole "how well we do this room shows how much we love our baby" syndrome. but, i am happy to say, we have returned to normal, rational thinking...for a bit anyway! we bought a new chest of drawers (to be stained to match the crib). we decided that is something she will need the rest of her life, so we kinda made that a priority. we also bought this bouncy chair. it's kinda like a rocker but takes up much less space and it is possible to sit upright in it (which, it seems, is better for feeding), unlike a rocker where you automatically lean back. so, our next steps are touch up painting (tim!), hem curtains (tailor!), and stain the chest (probably also tim). then we can start putting it in the room and getting the detail stuff (sheets, mobile, storage, pictures) to put in there plus the real stuff (diapers, wipes, clothes).

i go back for another scan and non-achievement test this week...so here's hoping sheniqua and i do great (i am hopeless!).

34 weeks...and even more details about my placenta!

2005-08-24T23:36:00.000+01:00

well, this post is not for the weak of heart...or stomach. if you are queasy or male, you may want to skip it. but if you are courageous, or just curious, forge ahead!

so evidently my placenta is not only low...still...but it is also a little low on fluid. basically a placenta should ideally have about 16 oz. of amniotic fluid in it. if it gets below about 8 oz. there is a whole medical term for it and suggested interventions. i think i fall somewhere in between those two. so, sheniqua and i took this test last week where they monitored her heart beat through my belly and i had to push a button every time she moved for 30 minutes. tim was laughing because i kept trying to find ways to count more "moves". he kept reminding me that it was not an achievement test or anything. evidently my mother neuroses have already begun! anyway, no one seemed too concerned. we have to go back next week for another scan and another "non-achievement" test. i figure that at this point i am far enough along that if they get too concerned about her they will just go in and get her out. so, we'll see how it goes in the old 35th week.

on a lighter note, my blood pressure is great! i chalk it up to hauling my butt to those stupid exercise classes twice a week. i hate them, they get harder every week.

in non-pregnancy news...i don't think i have any right now!

33 weeks and counting...

2005-08-14T02:43:00.000+01:00

it's official, my body no longer bends in half. i have to strategize how to tie my tennis shoes, pick things up off the floor, and roll off the couch. i get heartburn most days, to varying degrees. evidently i should not be eating wheat, dairy products, fried foods, caffeine, sugar, or pop. i can't even formulate a response to that...

i got another scan, which is not standard practice. evidently i have a low placenta...that's probably more than you ever wanted to know about my body! anyway, if it doesn't rise, it may mean a c-section. i can't decide if that is good or bad, i think it is really neither, just a fact. it seems this is nothing too serious to worry about.

so, evidently nurseries do not put themselves together and hospital bags do not pack themselves. who knew? we basically have furniture picked out, but are struggling to commit to a color scheme. i think we may look for curtains then do paint and bedding around them. i am supposed to have all this stuff organised, packed, and waiting by the door along with telephone numbers i may need to call. i'm supposed to have a birth plan of how i want things to go, for tim to give to the midwives at the hospital and be sure things are done the way i want. i have learned words like epidural, episiotomy, and perineum...they are not happy words, but seem to all be different ways to say ridiculous amounts of pain. all of this is over my head.

the midwife said that the baby is in head down position, which is supposed to happen around this time. it's still possible she may flop around and back or not, so it's no promise of a final position, but it may be how she spend the rest of her time in my belly. she is moving around like crazy. at times it makes me crazy, like when she moves around and keeps me up at night! but then if she doesn't move, i worry about why she isn't moving. i think this is normal maternal insanity!

we still have not committed to a name, but have narrowed names down to a short list. i think that is as good as it will get ahead of time.

What Being Muslim Means to Me

2005-07-25T04:22:00.000+01:00

again the muslim/christian chasm widens. i am happy to say a lot has changed about my perspective since i first hear the phrase al quaeda. now when i think of islam i think of ashfa, tarek, parbez, hafsa, ashifa, aasimah, rukan and their families. through these children i have had a glimpse into the reality of islamic life, and this is what i see.

i see families who want the best for their children, so they leave the life, country, and family they know in search of a better future of possibility and hope. i see families grateful and kind to anyone who wants to help their children. i see adults struggling with how their traditions and religion fit in a world changing as fast as the internet can run. i see beautiful clothes with sequins and amazing stitching. i see people kind enough to share and explain their food to me. i see children terrified of secondary school. i see shopowners struggling to understand what in the world it is i am looking for in their store. i see people curious and respectful about my culture. i hear strange music blaring from the latest stereo equipment. i smell dinner cooking that i wish were mine. i see the most amazing detail work in henna tattoos on young women's hands. i hear tons of laughing and tons of questions about life and the world.

recently an islamic leader here in london made a controversial comment, a suggestion. he recommended that islamic women in london quit wearing their hijab (headscarf). he said this was for their own safety as many women have been harassed since the recent bombings. hate crime in london has risen by 600% in the last few weeks. when asked their opinion, the women interviewed said they did not see removing their hijab in public as a possibility. another person said it would be like telling conservative nonislamic women that they would be safer in public if they wore less clothing, revealed more of their bodies. being muslim means wrestling with these kinds of decisions.

daddy, thank you for my muslim friends and what they have to teach me. i thank you that you have brought them into my life, not just me into theirs. give me wisdom to know how you are leading me in these friendships.

untheological salvation

2005-07-25T03:36:00.000+01:00

today in church i saw something i had never seen before. in luke 5, the story of the paralytic a whole lot of stuff that should be there is missing.

jesus didn't say "if you want to be saved repeat after me 'dear me'"
(paralytic) "dear you"
(jesus) "i know that i'm a sinner"
(paralytic) "i know that i'm a sinner"
etc., etc., you know how it goes

this guy didn't even know what "spiritual laws" meant, much less what they were! so, how did he get saved??? i have no idea. surely luke left something out. so in my handy, dandy cross reference bible i was directed to matthew 9. guess what, no sinners prayer or 4 spiritual laws there either. moreover, no acknowledgement, confession or even desire is noted.

jesus just did it.

i have no idea how that kind of salvation is even possible...and today i love that about god.

daddy, i want a faith that releases your inexplicable, unfathomable, untheological salvation to pierce the hearts around me of those i claim to care so much about. i am so far from that kind of faith that i question the flimsy evidences of faith in my life that i point to.

me in derbyshire

2005-07-22T21:33:00.000+01:00

West Green

2005-07-18T18:25:00.000+01:00

west green road first entered my life about a year and a half ago. it was a random, meaningless name of a road i received in an email; our new address. my connection with west green began as where our house was. i was working on the other side of london, so most of my time was spent in another part of the city and getting from here to there. then not quite a year ago, all that changed. i now live and work about a five minute walk apart, here in west green. sometimes days go by and i don't leave the neighborhood. i have practically memorized the shops between here and the church. i know the drugstores, convenience stores, and bus routes. i know the easiest places to cross the streets and when the high school students mob the street on their lunch break. it can be a little scary at night and glorious in the early morning sun. the buses have horrible breaks and stop at the bus stop in front of our house 24 hours a day while the guy living behind us has a passion for bad music played really loud. i can give you a detailed list of what the shop next door sells and who is probably working given the time of day. west green is a unique mix of mostly turkish and jamaican people and culture with some somalian and african thrown in. we are the only americans i know of. it is a strange world, with bad restaurants, but it consumes my day to day life. west green has become a part of who i am, just like edmond, heritage church, and pittsburgh. it has added a new dimension to who i am and i accept that. west green is my home.

My Autobiography

2005-07-18T18:24:00.000+01:00

so, at the risk of being all "ashley simpson", this great title for my autobiography fell out of the sky the other day. "2 steps from having it together" is the pursuit of my life. i think everyday i have some thought along the lines of ' if i could just get it together in (fill in this blank with any number of areas) then i would be really spiritual, super productive, thinner, solving world poverty, happy, etc. you get the idea. there is so much i want to accomplish, experience, see, do, be and the only thing that really gets in my way is myself. i guess that is what paul was talking about with the whole 'the spririt is willing, but the flesh is weak'. that also reminds me of the whole ecclesiastes approach to life of 'there is nothing new under the sun'. at times i find that comforting and others depressing. i am not sure which i find it now.